please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Two words: blizzard sex
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
