not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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