Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
