eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
