i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
me + whiskey = a bad person
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
