You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
