i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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