Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
