Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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