In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
