at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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