there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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