you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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