apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
