If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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