**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
