just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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