I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
