look no pants
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
