omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?