Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
