guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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