I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
