u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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