I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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