I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
