He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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