Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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