Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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