i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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