My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
