He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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