so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
