it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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