He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
