he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
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What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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