On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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