I'm gonna have a badass scar
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
