My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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