Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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