i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
