I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
