i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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