Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
