Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
