god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
