thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
