Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
