One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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