so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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