We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
