After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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