I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize