I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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