I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
