Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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