I think I died a long time ago.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
