id be glad to
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
