if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
